I turn 30 in a little less than 2 weeks and I have the birthday blues.
Not because I’m not excited to turn 30 – I actually am SOOOO excited – instead it’s because I won’t be celebrating it the way I imagined.
When I turned 29, it was quiet. I was home with my month old baby and husband. I was content. My birthday felt so small and being with my little family was perfection. I didn’t want to go anywhere or really do anything.
I should say that I LOVE birthdays. I love a day where I get to feel special, appreciated and celebrated. My birthdays have always involved lots of family, friends and good times. I’ve had very few bad birthdays and my parents always did such a great job of making me feel loved. So, I truly look forward to every.single.birthday.
I told Eric right after my 29th that I really wanted a big 30th celebration – so he better start planning. I was so looking forward to having an older baby and being able to celebrate with friends and kind of close out my 20s and get ready for my 30s. I’ve been looking forward to this birthday ever since.
Then we moved.
We moved away from the place I spent the majority of my 20s. I miss our home, our friends and in some ways I miss that little life. Soooo many things happened in Austin in those 5 years and I changed so much in my late twenties. I want to spend my birthday celebrating with the people who understand me in this moment and time; the people who’ve been there for the big and small moments, who’ve watched as I faced obstacles and tackled challenges. Quite simply: the people who know me best right now.
About a month ago, Eric and I were on a date and we got to dreaming. We crafted a little plan to get down to Austin for a long weekend and do my birthday up the way I imagined it – with all the friends I love.
After our date, we were so excited about the possibility that we attempted to make it a reality almost immediately.
Long story short – it didn’t work out. There are lots of details to the why it didn’t happen and I am left feeling disappointed and sad, and a little unimportant too.
I know that life doesn’t always work out in your favor – and hell – this is just a birthday after all, BUT it’s my 30th and it means something to me.
Now that we’re living in Kansas, I have lots of family around and I’m making friends and that’s all such a beautiful thing. I have been reminding myself just how lucky am I and thinking about all the things I have to be grateful for.
BUT – I’m still sad about my birthday. Typing that feels so trivial – there are people suffering and going through real shit – move on kid!
I know, I know…
I think I’m coming to realize that this birthday just holds a lot for me symbolically. It is the big 3-0. I feel like more than ever I know who I am, who I want to be and I’m excited to keep moving and growing to become that person. We did just make a big life change by moving and it was hard. It was closing the door to a really important chapter of our lives and I want to celebrate that chapter with those people.When our plans fell through – that kind of made me think about the last 5 years and come to terms with a few things: sadness about Austin and that community as well as hope for my growing community here and the future. I guess, it’s just a big birthday to me because so much has happened.
I will obviously get over these birthday blues. I’m even thinking of having a small celebration here – I haven’t decided yet.
Here’s what I know: When I turn 30, I’m going to hug my kiddo tight, have a lovely dinner with my husband and get ready to soak up all the ways I will grow and change in this next decade.
My life is full, imperfect and I couldn’t be happier to be living it everyday.